Why is it that I do my best contemplating when I am half asleep, unmedicated, and have a hundred other things to do instead?

Why is it that one finds the tentative silence beforehand inherently worse than the time an otherwise damning decision is being made, it sundering our world with its finality and absolutism, the only sign anything happened being a ringing in our ears that may or may not have been there a moment beforehand?

One of the core tenants of Stoicism, is that we as people are separate from the universe in one stark detail; We are just a consequence of our character, and we only have control over our own response to what happens around us. Basically, it can be distilled down to the concept of “If there is something you don’t like, and you can do something to alleviate it, or improve it, then do so. Otherwise, don’t worry about it, because it’s out of your control anyways.” I find this style of thinking not only cathartic, but as I have been afforded more chances to implement it into my own life, strangely freeing. By performing a judicious purging of worries about things you cannot control or are of little consequence, you offer yourself more dexterity in how you respond to the world around you in other ways, freeing yourself to then focus only on the things you can control.

Are you now basically parked on the highway because some idiot tried to merge across 3 lanes unsuccessfully up the road, and now you have become traffic? You could get annoyed with everyone else trying to rush their way to a slightly more advantageous position, using every inch gained over their fellow drivers as a personal victory in an attempt to make it past the accident that much sooner. By using that annoyance as a motivator to try and eek out a few more inches either way, to get you into the lane that is moving slightly faster, you might save yourself seconds or minutes of your already lengthened commute. Or, you could accept immediately that you are going to be later than anticipated, and take the time for yourself; the time that you could be spending trying to save yourself a minute or two instead spent on being appreciative that you get a few moments of nothing as a reprieve from what could otherwise be considered a hectic day.

Does this idea mean I will never get angry at traffic, or that I am content with sitting around, waiting for the road to clear? Of course not. I’ve worked overnights for the past 10 years mainly BECAUSE I can’t stand sitting in traffic, but that was my choice; avoid the possibility of being stuck playing rock/paper/scissors on the express way with the car next to me, because the benefits of working nights outweighs the minor inconvenience of soccer moms and elderly people clogging up the roadways. But when I do have to do the whole ‘Being an Adult’ thing during the times where the day moon is bright and high in the sky, I don’t refuse to drive because of traffic. I refuse to drive because I don’t feel it necessary, or because I have something else to do. I still get in my car and get groceries, albeit, at 9PM now that the world has collectively decided that due to the pandemic, everything now closes at 11 PM, much to the annoyance of the nocturnals.

But what if the annoyance is in the future? What changes that causes a mild case of “This guy is trying to skirt the system to get ahead of me” to morph into the monster that is avoidance and dread? Is it simply due to the loss of the perception of control? In my mind, it all comes down to time. Unlike everything else in my perception of existence, time is the one thing I have no control over, and these past few weeks have, if not solidified that concept for me, it at least has made me acutely aware that while time marches on, it will forever go at it’s own pace, despite the collective protests of the world. In a car, I am only losing a couple seconds by appreciating the time in between decisions, but when it comes to the more serious of the duties of existence, I find myself greedy for that time. I am fully capable of making a decision, and having a plan for all eventualities, but the fact remains that a decision cannot be made until the time has come, and if a career in EMS has taught me anything, Murphy takes his law seriously, so always have a backup plan.

I am currently waiting to hear if I still have a job. As I have said before though, I have already accepted all possibilities, as far as they can run, and am planning on it. But until I get a phone call, I am stuck in waiting mode; incapable of making the decision, right or wrong, until the opportunity presents itself. I have been in waiting mode since after my meeting the other night; unable to move forward with my plans until I have all the details in fact, contingencies prepped but unable to commit, on standby until the orders come through that say ‘Yes, this is what I am doing.’ I cannot make a decision unless others make a decision, and all I can do in the mean time is smile, grin, and bear it, while I wait for time to continue marching on.

Time is funny, for me. I am acutely aware that it exists, and that once spent, a second’s price skyrockets to unobtainable worth, the only currency that is meted out to everyone equally gets spent with an equal amount of volatility by those spending it. But for someone who can hyperfocus and ignore the passage of time for days at a time, it does not mean it loses that worth, just because it passed quickly. In fact, I feel it does the opposite; every second wasted is a second that could be spent on enjoying the life we have. Time spent doing something enjoyable does not mean the time was wasted. Many people just have the luxury of being able to shift their time around, focusing precious seconds on individual thoughts intermittently throughout the day, leading up to the singular moment they can make their long awaited choice. But for people like myself, otherwise unable to remember that time exists at moments of fixation, unless time itself is the fixation? That’s a tougher nut to crack.

So, what does one do, when they are waiting for a force of nature to perform it’s tasks? For many people, the decision fades into the background; ‘I will deal with it when it comes’ is a great place to be when faced with the uncertain, and another one of the many lessons that a stoic plans on learning. But for someone like myself, physiologically incapable of letting things fade in the background, lest they be forgotten and ignored? Well, it’s funny how that works out, but if my experience has anything to say about it, “Think about it until it comes” is terrible advice, but easy to follow for one with the limitations of being otherwise blind to the passage of time.

Many people with ADHD call it their ‘waiting mode’; a period where instead of focusing on actions, we focus on time, because if we forget to do so, it will just slip away, far faster and at higher cost that we would like. For several individuals, this ritual involves nothing more than a comfortable position, a easily accessible clock, and a timeframe for which one needs to being doing the things involved with leaving as a goal. It’s why I would sit in my car in the parking lot for 45 minutes before my shift would start, because at least then, if I notice I am about to be late, I can walk into work and punch in. I am lucky, because my personal brand of waiting involves doing something somewhat something mindless to keep my brain stimulated. For the longest time I had an idle game that, while simple, offered just enough mental requirements that I could use it as my focus, small breaks in the animations allowing me just enough time to glance at a clock to ensure I was not missing my mark. My roommate once asked me what I was doing, after seeing me playing a game that allowed less active autonomy than the original Mario for 4 hours straight, and was shocked when I told him I was simply waiting for a meeting that was to take place in the evening, my entire day devoted to making sure I didn’t miss it. Whether he understood the process, or use it as reason number 8574 why CJ is kind of weird, I can’t tell, but he was the first person to have witnessed my waiting mode and ask about it, which sparked a realization of my own.

Before that, I had not realized that I was waiting for the sake of waiting. For years, before I began medication, I would be able to function enough to get up, go to work (relying on the ‘immediate’ portion of my brain to get me out of bed so I could clock in on time), only to come home after a 12 hour shift, and hyperfocus on whatever online game I was playing at the time, all so I could do it again the next day. For the longest time, my waiting mode was camouflaged in the guise of a video game addiction, when in reality all I was doing was enjoying the time spent waiting more so than I otherwise would by just watching a clock. Nowadays, properly medicated and aware of it, I still am very much addicted to video games, but I am able to have more mental power to divert to the whole ‘actually living’ portion, which is why I have shifted from Online games to mobile timewasters as my go-to for waiting mode. It’s a small change, in the grand scheme of things, but enough to make me realize just how much it has helped with the lack of the ability to motivate that comes with being unmedicated. At least now I am able to put the game down and do the thing.

Which brings me to my original point. Other than time itself, what changes the act of waiting for several moments for the guy in front of you to finally merge so you can move forward several feet, and my current situation of awaiting an answer on whether or not I still have a job, so I can continue with whichever variation of plan I choose to implement. If the guy merges, I can move forward 10 feet, but after that, I am still at the mercy of traffic, the long brake lights illuminating the only path to progression in a uniform shade of red, as if to say “You have progressed, but no further, yet”. I can accept the end of one wait, only to substitute it with another immediately after. So why am I finding it so much more difficult to substitute this current wait with a different one, simply because it is spanning days instead of seconds, my inner stoic scratching the walls of his cell, desperate to make a change but unable to until the cell door opens at the mercy of the jailor, when he should be sitting in quiet contemplation while time passes. It could be because this is a major life event, but I have difficulty in accepting that. This too, shall pass, and I am lucky enough to have all of the options afforded to me to know that if I do get fired, I will have a job by the end of the month. Just because it’s not something I want to happen, does not mean I am not ready for it to happen.

I think it literally comes down to how much I have to think about it. In traffic, I am still traffic, even if I have moved up in the path, or let another move into that void in my stead, forgoing immediate progression with the sense of contentment that comes with no being in a rush on a Sunday drive. In life, however, on a grander scale, time is that much more valuable; to forget or allow others the opportunity to take it in my stead is tantamount to stating “You can have this part of my existence, I wasn’t using it anyways.” I will still be living after this decision, and life will move onward at its own pace. But, I only have one change at existence, and I would rather not wait in traffic. But the break lights are blinding, and I am just greedy to move forward these next few feet, so I can say I am closer.